When I was a child I was extremely connected to the ideas of: “We are all One”, “What I do to someone else affects me directly” “Everyone has amazing capabilities as long as they don’t believe they don’t” and so many others like these. I have never heard those thoughts from someone else apart from my own head.
I was also very very sensitive to others people’s emotions, thoughts, actions.
I spent a lot of time alone as being with other people was very energy consuming and hurtful to my sensitive nature.
I wanted to be a teacher and later a psychologist as I loved learning new things and the idea of learning and then teaching them, or helping people think in a different way was very inspiring to me. Also, throughout my life usually I was the one that people came for advice and comfort when they were feeling frustrated, sad, disappointed.
But, then being too sensitive and having no guidance was too hard on me. So, I shut it down. It took a while but I made it. I forgot about being a teacher and I studied hard at school to become a successful, independent, strong business woman. Cause that’s what I was supposed to want and like everyone said.
Other people’s opinions and personal beliefs became my own, cause what did I know about life? Money and success is what matters. Something in me kept saying “Start with what you love and success will join you” but thst was something I kept saying to other people and forgot to tell myself.
So, I went to school, to become an engineer and since the first moment I stepped my foot in there, I knew deep inside me that this place wasn’t for me. But I toughened up some moe and did it anyway.
Of course, I mostly felt like a failure as I wasn’t interested in it, but kept pushing myself through it. And I did ok.
Being in jobs was not better. I just did ok. No inspiration, no love in it, no soul. I kept finding myself in the most unfortunate work environments.
Now, I know I was totally out of alignment with myself, but I kept going. Cause in my head that was the only way to go. Toughen up, suck it up and keep going. Life is suffering I kept hearing around me.
And then one day, sitting on my couch watching (my favorite way to numb my thoughts and feelings), I realized that my life was heading to a dead end.
Working 9-11 hours per day in bad, disrespectful environments, doing things I find no joy and no reason doing, going back home, watching TV and eating bad food, hoping for retirement one day.
Something in me rebelled to this vision. “There is no way I’m going to survive this in sanity”
That was it! That was the darkest and at the same time one of the most profound points I’ve found myself in! I wasn’t going to stay there and watch myself die one piece at a time every day. I had to do something about it!
The moment this desire came in, my whole life started changing and lead to where I am now.
It wasn’t only the hope and the vision of a different future that changed it, but also that through this change in awareness, I invited in people, situations, teachers and mentors that helped my find and bring back my pieces and slowly un-toughen up so that I can live life again. It was as if I went back to my childhood state of connection, but this time in a more aware and powerful way.
I won’t say it was easy, I won’t say it was instantaneous.
But I’ll say I never looked back.
I got support in the most unexpected ways not because I’m special, but because I took the steps and I committed to take them every day.
The things I was dreaming of having back in that dark apartment, are part of my everyday life now and I now know what I’m creating for my future is a lot bigger than that.
Not everyone needs to become a coach, or leave their job, or change everything as I did.
But we always have an opportunity to choose something that works better for ourselves.
Everything is a matter of choice. And if I made it, you can do it too.
Now, I’m asking YOU…
What do you choose to create in your life?
